Sirius Blacks' New Woman
by Vacancy
Summary: Useless Sirius/Remus fluff. For Alleh!


**A/N: Alleh asked me to write this this morning. C: so here it is.**

Disclaimer: _Harry Potter is not mine not mine no no not mine._

_Sirius Blacks' New Woman_

Remus did not have a dynamic personality. For all his many good and bad traits, being terribly exciting was not one of them. Fortunately, he was seldom asked to be exciting or dynamic. It was _his _job to stand along the sidelines, sighing and rolling his eyes, but unable to keep a goofy smile off of his face, wandering after James and Sirius like a passive babysitter, making apologies and picking up their messes.

James and Sirius paralleled each other perfectly. While they loved their friends and tried to help them with whatever was troubling them, what happened to one of them was dealt with by the other. Neither Remus nor Peter could hope to console James when Lily had been particularly scathing, but Sirius had a tremulous smile on his lips within moments of appearing.

Which would be why Remus was, presently, so _very _lost.

Sirius aimed a vicious kick at the post of Remus's bed, making the whole thing shake. The lycan stared at his friend in paralyzed alarm, a book with a use-split spine open on his lap, forgotten. James was at Quidditch practice, and would not be returning until his crazed captain set him loose. Peter--well, Peter had made a run for it as soon as Sirius appeared in their dormitory, absolutely livid. Remus was lost, alone, unsure of whether the Animagus would kick his ass purely out of spite or just fume for a while.

"Wh-what's wrong, Pads?" he stuttered, words feeling weak on his lips.

"That little Hufflepuff. From Halloween. She was younger than I thought--third year. Rather upset to wake up and find me gone. Says I took advantage of her--that I _raped _her." He flopped down on Lupins' bed, forcing Remus to shift. Sirius waved a hand at his sprawled form. "Look at me, Moons. I don't have to _rape _anyone.

Remus swallowed, unsure of what to sa, not trusting himself to follow SIrius's hand with his eyes. Between he and Sirius, though they knew each other more intimately than they knew themselves, something Remus couldn't quite define kept them from being as close as they could be. Perhaps it was the troubling dreams that plagued Remus on the nights before the full, heavily featuring Sirius.

"Mooney? Hello? It's my time of _need _here, step it up a bit."

"Oh--sorry. Wh-what are you doing to do?"

"I don't know--nothing, most likely. Merlin, you're bad at this. Where the hell is Prongs?"

Trying not to be hurt, Remus watched as Sirius ran his hands through his hair, scowling. He leaned back, fumbling in the small table beside his bed and resurfacing with a slab of foil-wrapped chocolate.

"Chocolate?" he offered weakly. Sirius looked at him for a moment like he seriously doubted he was sane, then grabbed it from his hands, taking a bite so huge Remus winced, protesting in a small voice that it was Honeyduke's best and ought to be savored.

"Remus, you are _such_ a woman."

"Don't be oboxious," he mumbled, looking back down at his book. He had succeeded at least in part; while Sirius still seemed to be in a bad mood, he had gotten his mind off of the Hufflepuff girl.

"No. Seriously. Do you even have a dick?"

As someone who was too principled to use women and too consciencious to drink his inhibitions away, and therefore as pure as the virgin snow, Remus went a little pink.

"See? Woman. Any true man would hav said something like '_Bitch, you dare question my manhood_?!' whip it out and like slap me with it. You _blush_. Woman."

"Look, Pads, just because I'm not a boy-shaped bag of testosterone like--what the _hell _are you doing?!"

Sirius had grabbed at the crotch of his jeans, making Remus's words trail to a stern tone then a yelp, jumping away. The Animagus, however, had spread a look of faux-astonishment over his unjustly gorgeous features.

"Merlin, you _are _a man!"

"Suspicions confirmed, now sod off," Remus said, pulling a face at Sirius.

"Well, this makes my attraction to you suddenly very awkward..."

At the obviously-joking words Remus glanced up sharply in a just-stop-now sort of way. He convinced himself it was for that, or some other similarly excusable reason that his vision seperated for a moment before sliding back together when he met the dramtically gray eyes with his own plain brown ones. Remus never quite connected with Sirius like he did with James and Peter, and he had always wondered if it wasn't because of his damn good looks. He had always seemed likea stupid dream, the sort of person you kid yourself that likes you, but it really just pretending to keep your feelings intact.

"What? I was being serious. I mean, I thought it was a little weird they let you stay in a mens' dorm, but..."

"You're a prick," Remus said, drawing his legs closer to him to undo the weird illusion Sirius was edging closer--a trick of his mind that was beginning to freak him out.

"Ouch, Moons, is that how you treat all your admirers? No wonder you're always single...Here I was thinking you were the sweet one."

"_You're _the obnoxious one," Remus snapped, feeling unnerved without a good reason why, "So I took what was left."

"And the _gorgeous _one," Sirius added with the tone of voice he used when he was petting his ego, and the stupid illusion he was nearing Remus had him yet closer still. "Admit it, you want a piece of this."

Remus realized with a sickness somewhere between his ribs that he did. Oh, Merlin. He really did.

"B-back off, Padfoot," he said without heat, feeling the softness of Sirius's exhalation on his cheekbone--maybe not an illusion after all, but a stupid habit of ignorance.

Sirius moved downwards, his lips grazing Remus's like the true asshole of a tease he was, but Remus's muscles, despite all of his minds' lecturing, seemed to have been waiting for this moment, and acted instantly, face tilting, hands rising to keep Sirius from slipping away just yet. Some sort of mental blockage seemed to break, the charm of a pretended mere-friendly relationship snapping, and they were both all of a sudden shameless. Sirius pushed against Remus, who unfolded himself obligingly, letting the wall hold him up as Sirius kissed him in a way that was obviously the product of years of practice.

"Merlin, Moons," Sirius said, looking disheveled and almost panicked. "I was just kidding."

"You were not," Remus said with easy confidence. "Don't lie to me, Padfoot."

A seconds' pause. Remus wanted nothing more than to build a home somewhere in the depths of the gray eyes that were looking at him so intently. But kissing Sirius again was a very, very close second.

"Fair enough," he said breathlessly, and was upon him again in an instant.

Remus imagined nothing could be better than kissing Sirius Black. Substance abuse suddenly made no sense to him, this was far better. He understood James's obsession with attaining a similar kiss from Lily. Adolf Hitler had obviously never been kissed properly, because Remus was convinced at that second that everything was right and good, and had the potential to remain that way forever.

Then the door opened.

James stumbled in, sopping wet and disgruntled. He didn't seem to notice his two best friends snogging on his bed, though they stopped, looking at him with eyes reminiscent of those of a caged animal. He took his glasses off as soon as he entered, wiping the excess water off.

"_Miserable _out there," James mumbled as they hurriedly untangled themselves, though he shoved his glasses on before they could totally seperate. To Remus's utter bafflement, he just grinned as he strolled over to his bed.

"Excellent, Pads, found someone else to cuddle?"

"Yup. Remus is feeding me chocolate and helping me get over, um...Hufflepuff." He said this with such nonchalance Remus was forced to stare at him as if he had suddenly gone insane. James, busy peeling off his Quidditch robes, didn't seem to notice.

"Seem to have gotten over her alright, you've forgotten her name... Does this mean you'll find someone else's bed to share when you're drunk?"

Sirius gave his memorable laugh--theone that sounded almost like a bark. He slid Remus a look that bordered on predatory, and sparks zipped down his spine.

"You could say that."

**I'm sure Abe found which part of it was in reference to her.**

**Whip out my manhood and slap you with it.**

**I love you all!**


End file.
